Ask anyone who really does this, and they’ll tell you summer is the worst season to put that shit on.
If you don’t really do this, you’ll ask why.
Why, Sam, is summer the worst time of year to get dressed?
I’ll tell you why: because if you want to get off anything more than the regular-degular shit, your ass is gonna sweat. And not in a figurative way.
In a lot of ways, I’m lucky. I work in an air-conditioned office with a basically nonexistent commute. So I rate pretty low among people at risk for pit stains and swamp ass.
But I am nothing if not empathetic to the brave people trying to get fits off in these harsh conditions.
My plight: an embarrassingly low step count, as I sit inside eating sunscreen and fearing Helios.
Still, even cowardice has its limits. You can only do shirt-and-shorts so many times before you stop giving a shit entirely.
I hit my breaking point this past week.
In my attempt to dress the sausage each day, I looked at my closet completely uninspired.
I had dresser’s block.
Pair that with the bloat I was carrying from the previous week’s festivities, and it was almost too much for a mere mortal to take.
I reached for my old friend: elastic.
And I powered through.
Preparing to enter false fall.
At the slightest breeze, I’ll take an overcast day or early morning as permission to add a layer I’ll be carrying by lunch.
I tried to do this once last week, tossing a jacket over a tee and saying, “How could there be a heat warning? It’s only going to be 84.”
Arrogance can ruin an outfit if you’re not careful.
You must approach false fall with a certain amount of caution and respect, or you’ll end up looking like you’re going apple picking at the beach.
Pants are your first move, child. I’m a pants-year-round guy, but even I’ve been making concessions lately, sneaking shorts into the office as the heat has dragged on.
But post-Labor Day, it’s time to dress like a big boy again.
We’re not talking wool trousers here, but at least get reacquainted with your denim. If you’ve been really neglectful, make sure everything still fits how you like.
Summer has proven to be the hardest time of year to keep it tight.
My shoes basically stay the same until the leaves get crunchy. I’m due to part with my blown-out Birks and move into boots.
Hopefully sooner rather than later.
Fall is not the time for crispy white sneakers.
But neither is any other season.
Long-sleeve button-downs should be touching skin all year. I know I may be on the outside here. Look back and you’ll see plenty of camp-collar short sleeves in my arsenal, but somewhere in the transition from quality to quantity, most now feel like the FYP told you how to dress better.
Your up-top changes are going to come from richer and deeper colors, heavier fabrics, and a different fit. Sorry to everyone who got by on linen the past three months.
Flannel is Fall 101, but don’t make it that obvious. False fall calls for more restraint anyway. Chambray provides the slightest zag without the weight of flannel or the sameness of your lackadaisical oversized oxford.
Maybe I grow some cock and put on a Canadian tuxedo. Who knows.
Let me not step on my own toes: your oxford is great year-round. I live, laugh, love in my OCBD. Always. But transitioning into something a little more trim and studious is a welcome exchange from our breeze-catching summer whites.
It’s easy to fall in love with false fall, but it’s a trap.
There’s an aesthetically unaesthetic amount of sweat, and then there’s “you took this too far.”
If no one can see your sweat, you’ve found the balance.
A little beading on the head says you ate something spicy. Hell, you can get away with some pit. We are all human, after all.
If you are visibly damp, you have failed false fall.
Now, I know all of this may seem insane to the muggles, who are thinking: Why not just be comfortable? Embrace the weather. Savor these fleeting days before the sun sets at five and the breeze chills bones.
Well, factually speaking, fall is the best time of year to get dressed. Warm days and chilly nights give your outfits a chance to decant through layering.
So why not bring it on a little early, even if it is a mirage?
-SP
Apollo is jealous
Grow that cock and put on the double denim eh